Text 7 May Langsemmeln - how I yearn for thee

This must be the most random thought to have ever occurred to me. I realized what I hate most of all when I go grocery shopping in Vienna (next to the sad state of produce in Austrian stores) is that lack of Langsemmeln. For those that are looking at me like a confused dog - a Langsemmel or a Kaisersemmel is, look here:

The one on the left is a Langsemmel (plural: Langsemmeln) and the one on the right is its bastard cousin, the Kaisersemmel (plural: Kaisersemmeln). 

Now you will likely say, “Oh, but they’re just identical rolls shaped differently - what’s the big deal?”. You have absolutely no idea. Yes, they are really the same roll just shaped differently, but the difference is significant. 

Think about it like this, when do you most often eat a Semmel? Either when having a pair of sausages or when making a sandwich at home. Or maybe you’re buying a Wurstsemmel at a store. Or even a Leberkässemmel! It doesn’t matter - in every one of these situations, the Langsemmel is vastly superior. Shape matters. Here’s why:

  • If you’re eating a pair of sausages, you’ll love the improved design of the Langsemmel over the Kaisersemmel. The Langsemmel is simple to break in half and dipping a symmetrical column shape into mustard is so much easier than the malformed triangles that the Kaisersemmel provides you with when you tear it. It’s like it wants to make eating bread with mustard and sausages as difficult and ungainly as possible. Sorry, but no.
  • Making a sandwich? Have you ever thought that you just want that one quick sandwich, but you have multiple combinations of ingredients? Still not a problem! The shape of the Langsemmel allows you to make two small but completely different sandwiches. At the end you don’t get one boring sandwich. You get two awesome sandwiches! A Kaisersemmel? Just that one boring sandwich. Still not convinced? OK, keep reading. 
  • Ever gotten a Leberkässemmel with a Kaisersemmel? Of course you have. They’re good, aren’t they? But what’s one thing that’s surely always bothered you about eating one? The meat hanging off the edge? Yep. A slice of Leberkäs is most often not perfectly square. It’s usually oblong, unless you happen to get that one perfect slice from the middle. What else is oblong? Of course! The Langsemmel! It perfectly covers that slice of meat and doesn’t leave any cheese or grease or anything from getting all over your hands or, in the winter, gloves. Langsemmel FTW.
  • You want a Wurstsemmel from the supermarket. You need a quick bite to eat on the way to or from somewhere and you don’t want a greasy kebab or a pizza. Not a problem - grab a Wurstsemmel! But what does shape have to do with this? It’s just a boring sandwich. Not so! The length of the Langsemmel allows for a much better grip on the sandwich when you’re walking down the street. The Kaisersemmel is merely round. Like a slightly deflated ball. The Langsemmel has a built-in grip! Holy shit! Surely your mind must now be blown. Never thought of it like that, did you?

Sorry, but if you don’t believe me after reading that, you’re a troglodyte.