@Vliconaleash
Morgen Frauentag und nächsten Montag Schnitzel und Blowjob Tag (Tomorrow Women’s Day and next Monday Schnitzel and BJ Day)
@HairyJew4Life
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
@kattcalls
“You never fave my tweets anymore” is the new “we never hang out.”
@cerebralbeef
Heading home now. You know, Disney World is a lot like sex with my wife - there’s a really long wait for every ride, that only lasts 2min.
@thebenbrooks
3 simple steps to Twitter success. 1) Hate Monday. 2) Love coffee 3) Don’t. Get. Laid.
@beingtheo
Costco is now selling wedding dresses. Considering the divorce rate, it’s a super investment. They’re sold in packs of 3.
@MrFornicator
Obesity is the #1 killer in the USA. Blow jobs burn anywhere from 30 to 60 calories. Don’t take chances with your health, blow someone.
@stormgrass
Vorteile von Funkkopfhörern, Nr.1: Am Klo Musik hören zu können. (#1 advantage of wireless headphones: listening to music on the toilet)
@iwona_w
http://plixi.com/p/82363596
@chrmar
Freundlichkeit in der Wiener U-Bahn: “Schleichts eich von de Türen!”(Friendliness in the Vienna Metro: “Get the hell away from the doors!”)
@skoops
ja, du kleiner pisser, wir sehen das. oder glaubst du wirklich uns entgeht dass du auf “porn283.xvideos.com:80” connectest? (yea you little prick, we see that. Or do you think we miss the fact that you’re connecting to porn283.xvideos.com:80?”)
@skoops
what’s inside your anus? http://yfrog.com/h0tw1uuj
@evebugs
free bradley #manning und alle waren nackt. http://ow.ly/i/8XU0 @mialook @vliconaleash @mahriah
@random_musings
Good food for thought! RT @jason_pontin: Interesting, from my friend @om: “Twitter’s Problem” with its biz model: http://bit.ly/hukY1P
@BrandiATMuhKuh
legendary pic with the USS-enterprise and the original crew http://bit.ly/i8xtej
@edbott
So you think OS X is inherently safe? “The victim visits a web page, he gets owned. No other interaction is needed.” http://zd.net/gfNQKP
@clarkekant
If we stop funding education, eventually we’ll all be voting Republican.
@Verlieren
Discourage your boyfriend from impregnating you by reminding him you will buy a minivan if you get pregnant.
@cerebralbeef
Being a parent is 67% “fuck this” and 33% “thank god they’re asleep.”
@MrBrown_Eye
LSD: The more economical vacation option.
@beingtheo
I’m willing to bet you that people who don’t RT, don’t use their turn signals.
@YUCKYBOT
Leave it to men to discover every possible hole that’s fuckable. If a man starts dating you after you lost an eye, look out.
@hdrr_at
@iwona_w Ein Aggrorithmus ist dann quasi die Formel zur Berechnung des Erfolgs von HipHop-Songs, richtig? (Cannot be translated)
@Jason_maybe
I’m certain if Bram Stoker knew Dracula would eventually lead to Twilight he would’ve slit his own wrists with a bat wing.
@iwona_w
Das WE sollte nicht mit einer Kernschmelze beginnen. (The weekend shouldn’t begin with a core meltdown.)
@lou_hefner
OH “Rechts,rechts,rechts! Kind, du musst rechts stehen! Weißt du, nur die Leute vom Land stehen links.” (“Right, right, right! Child, you have to stand to the right! You know, only people from the countryside stand on the left!”)
@amazingatheist
If this Earthquake is Japan’s Karmatic punishment for Pearl Harbor, I dread to see what ours will be for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
@JohnDCook
“If a hipster falls in a forest and nobody’s around, does it make a sound?” ” Yes, but you’ve probably never heard of it.”
@shariv67
It’s not just cleavage. It’s speeding ticket insurance.
@MatthewBryant89
I’m tired of ignorant, spiteful Americans comparing the earthquake to Katrina and saying its payback for pearl harbor. It’s embarrassing.
@Modern_Redneck
Apparently I set the clock forward twice last night. Now I’m an hour early for something I should’ve been an hour late for.
