Text 17 Oct 40 notes Things you need to know when living in Vienna

I’ve been living in the City of Music for over five years now and I’ve learned a great many things about a great many things. Let me share with you some essential pieces of knowledge about living in Vienna (and Austria): 

  • You can insult anyone you want. Anyone. It doesn’t matter who. Just make sure you use the correct title. 
  • In the summer there is no reason to pay for a trip to the sauna. Just pay for a train ticket and ride around in the subway (hot tip: the U6 gives you the best bang for your buck). 
  • If you need to buy drugs, go to Schottenring after dark and ask the closest, well-dressed African. They’re the drug dealers. I swear, the drug dealers in Vienna dress better than every drug dealer in the US. 
  • The African drug dealers only ever have ecstasy and coke. The Turks specialize in ditch weed. 
  • To get to some of the best ice cream in Vienna you have to drive into the “ghetto”. Just like in the US, if you want to get good fried chicken, you have to risk a mugging to do so. 
  • There are no real ghettos in Vienna but everyone thinks they’re hard as shit.
  • The trick to getting American food in Austria is getting to know people from the UN. Schmooze up to those people. They are your official dealers of all legal addictive substances at low, low prices - Mountain Dew, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and other fattening things.
  • In a pinch, you can use those butter cookies in place of Graham crackers and make s’mores. 
  • Milka is God’s gift to the world. 
  • Milka chocolate chip cookies are amazing. 
  • Knowing how to bake awesome brownies will get you laid.
  • Knowing how to bake awesome muffins will get you laid. Again.
  • Austrian women lose their shit over native English-speaking men.
  • All Austrian beer is good. Except Ottakringer. Fuck Ottakringer.
  • Styrian beer is the best beer. Yeah, Stiegl, I said it. Whatchoo gonna do bout it?
  • Bringing the wrong bottle of wine to a dinner can potentially be the last mistake you will ever make.
  • If you ask 5 civil servants the exact same question, you will receive 6 different answers. 
  • Austrians don’t give a flying fuck about protecting their president.
  • An American speaking in Austrian dialect makes every Austrian think you’re German. Or Dutch. Or some far-flung valley in Tirol.
  • There is a word for rich people who dress like filthy hipsters.
  • There is a “Viennese Silicon Valley”. It’s close to the Philadelphiabrücke subway station… I don’t get the joke, either. 
  • A dental hygienist can become the leader of the Nazi Party. 
  • If you want a cheese-filled sausage, you have to order a “pus-filled”. 
  • Drinking piping hot alcohol in the middle of winter is the best way to drink outside.
  • Austrians think Americans are stupid for our “drunk in public” laws. 
  1. episodes-of-insanity reblogged this from americanandertu
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  3. soullessdoll reblogged this from oesterreicher and added:
    the last point :D
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  10. momentedeslebens reblogged this from americanandertu and added:
    see another perspective on this city :-)
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  13. kitsunekyo reblogged this from shootaera and added:
    hahahaha. thats just so true. xD
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  15. shootaera reblogged this from americanandertu and added:
    Haha, that’s really nice!
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