It’s been almost a year and a half since I set my foot on US soil. In January it will have been a year and a half. The last time I was home was in the summer and a Georgia summer after being used to the beautiful weather in Europe is… well… unpleasant. Imagine going to a spa and going into a sauna to relax. In Georgia, an afternoon is not too different from many of the saunas one might find in Austrian spas. Hot. Humid. Sticky. Yuck. Thankfully my people have realized that air conditioning is something awesome and they abuse the hell out of it. America - 1, Austria - 0.
I was thinking today about a few things I would like to do or see in the US next time I am home: driving, eating southern fried chicken and proper stadium seating in a movie theater. Then I started thinking about all the things I would miss during my visit in the US, or at least not like while there. Sarah Palin-esque rhetoric everywhere to be found, Republicans on every street corner and the religious right. Ugh. At least from Austria I can look and laugh. Imagining actually having to experience that crap first hand is not really that thrilling a thought. America - 1, Austria - 1.
What I am looking forward to the most, however, is looking at America with the eyes of a European. I’ve dived so much into the European culture and mindset that I really doubt that I could ever return to the US and actually live there. It’s like schnapps. Great in smaller amounts but after too much you eventually wake up with a splitting headache and don’t know where your pants are. I’m really intrigued about how I am going to see, first, my old town, and second, the rest of the country. Should be interesting. Thanks to Twitter, though, I’ll be able to record my thoughts and they’re happening. Hopefully.
American television is also something very strange. We have lots of commercials from local businesses and you can tell the good ones from the bad, because there are amateur porn videos that have better production quality than most of these commercials. What cracks me up is how much the car dealers like to whore out their children. You’ll see dad who has a dealership and then at some point his children will say some corny line about how great the cars are that their dad sells but they can’t even reach the pedals. It’s like a horrific car accident. You feel bad for the people involved but you can’t stop staring even when you know you should.
What’s more, there are SO many commercials for pills against various venereal diseases, erectile dysfunction and depression. It’s a vicious circle. You buy the Viagra to get wood again, get herpes after a few one-night stands with your new wingman that is the purple pill and now you need anti-depression medication to take your mind off things. America really is a messed up place. America - 1, Austria - 2.
Then there is Ebonics. What a wonderful language. It makes Austrian slang look like High German. For those that don’t know, it’s the slang that you hear among Blacks in the US. I miss the black communities back home. They’re so laid back and so cool about everything, something that a lot of Europe could really use. It’s hard to describe for those that haven’t experienced it for themselves. If you’ve at least experienced proper southern hospitality, then you have a taste of what I mean. Austrian hospitality is great, but SOUTHERN hospitality is so much better. America - 2, Austria - 2.
I am so looking forward to my trip through border control at the airport, though. What a bunch of buffoons. They treat little children as if they’re invading hordes, it’s ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. Despite all of my attempts, I’ve never gotten one of these dick heads to ever crack a smile. Then there are the TSA agents. Man have these folks got the biggest stick up their collective ass. But then I suppose that’s some kind of inferiority complex that they all have - they’re not real cops at all and thus they need to overcompensate at every opportunity. But then that’s most anyone in the US who has a position with even the smallest bit of power and a uniform and God forbid, a badge. I’m thinking about getting one of those “Assange Provocateur” shirts that my good friend Ivy has designed. Think that’ll earn me a cavity search? Hah! America - 2, Austria - 3.
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